Editor’s note: Laws For Attorneys has invited a New Jersey attorney, known as The Litigation, to submit regular columns. These viewpoints are of the author’s and the author’s alone, and Laws For Attorneys does not assume any responsibility for the opinions expressed within.
Hey everyone, LFA has asked me, The Litigation, to impart my legal wisdom on the masses. Here’s the lowdown: The Litigation tells judges what the law is. In effect, I am a living legal treatise. The Litigation is a fearsome attorney that juries adore and opposing counsel wish they could be.
My stint in law school was epic. My professors begged me to take a professor position, but I declined. The Litigation isn’t about teaching law; The Litigation is about being the law, son. During the bar exam, the proctor declared it was unnecessary for me to complete the exam after I schooled him on Marbury v. Madison. Separate but equal, baby.
Ever since easily passing that exam on my fourth try, I’ve been dropping knowledge on juries and judges alike, doing appearance for cases where I may not even know who the parties are, but you know what matters? The fact that The Litigation is on a particular side. Especially when I flex a cite or two that opposing counsel didn’t expect; hell, I may just make one up, to get everyone excited. I’ve been accused of using performance enhancers, probably because people can’t believe the crazy-ass points of order that I come up with, but the reality is the strength of my legal arguments is 100-percent natural.
From my experience, the body of the legal memorandum is where you can do the most damage in a brief. As such, and heretofore, I consistently utilize acronyms and abbreviations to maximize on the allotted space allowed. It’s a mechanism that has garnered several victories over bombastic adversaries. As Muhammad Ali said, “It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.” Well, you know, it’s true, as far as The Litigation is concerned.
So grab a hold of your legal notepads and take some notations: The Litigation is going to set some legal precedents even Justice Marshall would’ve never dreamed possible. I intend to become the most recognized and celebrated judicial body in whatever court I step into. If that means a host of wonderful, beautiful law clerks just begging to score a summer-associate position with my firm, so be it. You have to respect your law, and, if you respect your law, the honeys will share that respect, and that’s when you bang that gavel, son. Motion to adjourn, straight up.
Get ready, because The Litigation is about to bronze up your mind. Props to my mom for making this writing ability possible.